Tuesday, July 9, 2013
I feel like there is no silver lining but I do still feel extremely lucky.
When I walk home alone in the dark without getting harassed I appreciate it,
After being homeless for 5 months, having a room to myself,
Getting a hug from someone who I have made angry all day just because they understand what I need,
Laughing too hard and too long at something just because it feels right,
Getting a message from one of my old friends,
Hearing someone tell me I am still worth something in the world,
Staying up all night to chat to someone who quickly changed from a stranger to a friend.
All these things I really feel lucky to have.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Call me delusional, but I would rather spend my time in a happy daydream than angry and sad that reality is being so cruel to me.
My daydream lets me function like a normal human being and get things done.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
It feels a bit like bittersweet but far more intense and powerful, and lost but not quite so lonely.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I would let each of my nearest and dearest turn into duplicate polly pockets and take them away with me to Canada.
I would spend the morning with a basket of kittens, the afternoon with Grandma Beth, the evening at a dinner party with everyone I don't get to see enough of and the early hours of the next morning sitting on a bean bag with my best friend, playing nintendo, drinking wine out of teacups, smoking inside and having a heart to heart.
I would surf, dance in a city centre, fly over a forest and tell everyone everything my somewhat limited self restraint stops me from saying.
I would let someone close to me read me a bedtime story at 7am, spoon them to sleep then never ask anyone for anything ever again.
What would you do?
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I don't mind because I made myself this way...
But you look right through me, past what I can even see myself, and you bring out the best in me.
I like it, because I never anticipated it, not at all.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
late wine and secret optimism
which is gone by morning making way
for bloodshot eyes
in which real lies are realised
the thoughts that plague you
feel so insignificant
if just for minutes
a clarity and slight release
before it catches up with you
it will never feel perfect
but at least
it shows you everything
with blurred perception
to make sense fuzzily
of something hurting
and so trivial
maybe next time
instead of helping you
forget the question
Staring out through the rain soaked window at the garden which held all my fondest memories, I couldn't bring myself to actually go outside and sit in it one last time. That garden was my favourite place in the world and now I can never go back there. I don't like the lack of control I have over the situation but I always try to spend as little time as possible worrying about things I know I can't change.
I lay on the floor and sobbed until there were no more tears because it was all I could do.
I knew she was going to die, but while the house was there, she was still alive. Even going back there today, seeing it stripped of character and not resembling anything in my head, I could still smell Clarins.
She was still in there somehow, but we can't go back and I can no longer pretend everything is normal when I wake up from a nap in the spare room. I am going to miss that hazy limbo where my mind told me everything was fine for just a few precious seconds. No more wandering around looking at all her things the way she had left them, it has all gone. Completely dismantled, everything broken up like an unused jigsaw and scattered around our own houses so she can live on in a way in our day to day lives.
I knew she was going to die, even though she didn't know herself, but nothing could prepare me for the death of the house. For me, she truly died the moment I shut the front door for the last time.
I said goodbye to my childhood today, to everything I have ever understood as normality and now there is just the rest of everything else to deal with forever, and my god, I am not ready.
I will never be ready. I don't think I will ever truly say goodbye, I can't. She makes up too much of me to let go.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
i cant talk to anyone about it because people either do not understand or have to deal with far worse. i am so lucky to have such a vast and valuable support network but i need a goal to work towards and i cant have one. any suggestions are just a series of words and ill thought out ideas which will not work. i know this is all temporary but in a selfish way, it is not enough just to know that it will end at somepoint. i struggle to understand how people even recognise me because as an outsider looking in it must look as though my personality has been wiped and left a boring void. it is true that only boring people are bored, and i am so bored.
the struggle is awful and boring, and will result in nothing. the worst part is that no matter how terrible i feel, it does not even enter the spectrum of how one of the most important people to me must be feeling. i will never be able to make them better, and that alone is so horrible. i feel utterly powerless to everything that is going on in my life. anything i do to try and change this will leave me riddled with guilt and it is just the beginning of a long hard struggle.
i hope it will make me a stronger, better person but the wait is making me weak and hopeless. i am a bad, boring person and i miss making other people happy.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I packed as though it was ritual to do so, my room was full of hidden bags in case of various emergencies... anything from running away to a flash flood.
It is a good job I have become so good at packing, because it is now what I spend my entire life doing.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
i hope i forget everything about today apart from the sunbeams and the performance poetry i watched on youtube.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
it looks like the easiest thing for me to do is stay a little bit homeless in the new year and just house hop between shifts until march, then go home for a month before canada.
perhaps i had too much diet pepsi when i felt optimistic about this plan... lets see how i feel about it tomorrow when i am tired.
i am certainly not happy with myself at the moment but it would be unfair to insinuate that i was terribly unhappy either. i go through fairly regular stages of absolutley hating myself and feeling very much trapped in my own body to feeling as though i am not in it at all, which at best keeps me occupied.
my life isnt bad. in fact, i count my blessings all the time. i just dont spend enough time with the people who make it worth living.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
second train was much better. i usually have to travel alone because you know, i live forever away from everyone so it was unreal to catch a mates mum in the seat in front of me. how i laughed. she said she knew it was me on the phone (to her son as well) when she heard me talking about how i had disgraced myself. i apologised in case my behaviour had embarrased her and she said she doesnt waste time getting embarrassed. she would be the best mother in law ever, serious.
as we pulled up to the supermarket someone was getting arrested and i wondered if it was someone i knew... it wasnt. i saw a friend i havent spoken to in a very long time (on purpose) inside and instead of a punch i got a hug. i told her about my job and she told me she was waiting on a video rental callback. i said, "how nice that we've both ended up in the film industry" and for a split second when we laughed there was a little bit of the past there.
we had a big family meal because we are never ever together as a unit anymore. most of the discussion centered around fat people and how some of them get flat bottoms from sitting down too long, which was engaging. i havent had a sunday dinner in months. me and my housemate dont have a freezer or like, anything so it all puts a bit of a limit on a few things... this dinner was top notch as well.
i went to see a friend after. her family are hilarious. the kids are mental comedy genius, if i ever reproduce i hope mine are a bit like that. i love seeing her because she never does that ridiculous small talk thing, she just jumps into a random conversation. i really admire people who see the importance of doing this for me when i see them. only the best people do it.
saturday was unreal. it was so sad and decent all at once when we left the coffee shop after meeting my old bosses best mate and all three of us agreed that none of us had laughed like that in as long as we could remember. when did we all turn into these old, miserable people? i seriously cant hack it. it was great to have a break from that for a bit.
saturday night was absolutley ridiculous. we all got terribly reckless and i literally felt exactly how i had wanted to feel for ages, which was 18 again. it seeped into the next day effortlessley, and when we got my mum to drop us at the park i found something i written on it in 2004.
i was an absolute state. we both were, and i loved every second of it. i never get to be a state anymore and i never get to answer "how are you?"truthfully and i never ever get an understanding nod instead of raised eyebrows... it was so good just to have people to talk to about everything and anything. while i was sat on the park i realised how rubbish it would be to take a step backwards in my life but at the same time, i think being so lonely is slowly eating away at me.
it twisted my stomach to hear how everyone was so bored and overworked. i mean, at least we are in this shit together but wow, we have all changed. last night and this morning were so crucial... i hope i never forget them.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
The ideology that if you stay true to yourself you will grant yourself the right to meet your perfect partner seems a bit botched.
Being yourself just to find a suitable mate seems rather stupid.
It takes real balls to be yourself through sacrificing the possibility of ever finding someone... To be so true to yourself that you risk being alone forever is quite intense.
Iif this seems hypocritical, find me in twenty years time.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The little girl laughed and said "wee-wee."
Moments like these make me want to procreate.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
nothing else matters.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
osho said you could not control an ecstatic man.
misery loves company, but laughter is infectious.
i will continue to laugh, even if it must be instead of you or in spite of you.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
today a middle aged couple came in when it was quiet so i went out of my way to help them, partly for the (very selfish) reason that i knew it would make me feel better about myself.
"you're ever so happy today, why are you so happy? have you been taking happy pills? oh it's lovely to speak to someone who is so happy..."
well goodness me. i was having a horrible day, i had recieved some terrible news on my break and even before my break i was messing everything up and feeling a little out of focus.
for the rest of my shift i smiled.
their kindness had such a lovely knock-on effect, i almost didnt want to come home.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
it wasnt that anything particulaly bad happened, the whole affair was just utterly suffocating.
my little hamster died, in the middle of us moving house. i know there are a thousand and one worse things that can happen to a person, but watching her suffer and feeling completley helpless, then having to go to work and think about her there struggling on her own was horrible.
we buried her in the meadow and i will miss having her around. last summer she was the only company i had really.
i love my new house, but i am sick of being treated like a retarded 16 year old. my money is as good as anyone elses, and im not a stupid girl. it has been an uphill struggle, but at least i can be proud of myself because it was hard work that got me here.
on the topic of hard work, i secured a high 2:1, which was lovely. right in the middle of so many other problems it felt completley irrelevant, but i know everyone is proud of me which is what really counts.
i dont really feel anything anymore except tired. i have little money and even less fun but at least i am being independent.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Perhaps it will hit me when September comes, and I realise that we will never sit in a classroom together again, or make a trip to the local pub in between lectures, or laugh and share hangovers and stupid in-jokes. I think that because I am not leaving myself, it doesn't feel like such a huge step. It is nice to return from a long shift and think "well that's me done then, goodnight."
Just before I left for University, someone told me that if I walked out of their front door we would no longer be friends. I called their bluff and left, and we didn't speak for a year. When my Mum found out I was walking home in the middle of the night she came and picked me up and for the first time in our lives, we had a heart-to-heart. She told me what was on her mind, and I returned the favour. Mum said that she thought uni would be good for me and she knew I would be fine because I had always adapted really well to change. I imagined myself to be someone who would find change hard, but over the years I have realised that it affects me so little that it is almost worrying.
I like to be able to fret about tiny things, huge things just seem to happen. I suppose it will be the tiny things I miss most too; Coffee with Chris, laughing with Claire, having a cigarette with Joe and wondering why we weren't closer. Bumping into Alexia and Laurena when we were all late for lectures, and always getting something out of even a really small conversation with them. Sitting on the rock while the lads smoked roll ups and let me join in their crude and hilarious conversations as an honourary man. I'll miss Georgia, because I don't think I will ever meet another person like her.
So yes, the tiny things will creep up on me and demand I feel their absence, but nothing really feels any different.
Monday, June 7, 2010
now i wake with swollen eyes to panic about council tax before i can get back to sleep,
i work 16 hour shifts not only because i really need the money but because i have nothing better to do and like having people to talk to.
i cry quickly without noise and on my own.
(people could make the fuss i dont want to cause and tell me everything will be ok,
but then i would just whisper you don't know that
and they would say i was only trying to help.)
i dont want people to see me as a weakling and crying in public is a bit awkward really. besides, ive written worse on a blog, what is anybody going to do?
my whole day is governed by trivial calculations... how much money do i have for food, how much would cheaper broadband cost split between two, how much am i saving on a bedsit with bills included if the rent is extra, how many calories have i had, how much change does that man need, shit... how many calories have i had again? how much is a cappucino sachet worth if i buy a box of ten, how much is that saving if i stop drinking takeout coffee in town, how many calories have i had NOW, how much is the bus home, how many hours sleep will i get before a ten hour shift if i walk, how many calories will i fail to burn if i dont, and on and on and on and ive always fucking hated maths.
the only thing holding me together is the knowledge that i am trying my best, i KNOW i am.
i could fail and end up jobless and homeless, (and every week until christmas it will be at the front of my mind) but at least i am trying to live in the real world and not taking a step backwards just because it would be convenient.
when i look in the mirror now, i remind myself of the part in slaughterhouse 5 when the old lady says to her son,
"when did i get so old?"
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
At 21 years old I have spent so much time worrying about the way I look that I have let myself turn into a bit of a monster.
Everything is out of proportion with everything else because I keep losing and gaining weight at the wrong pace and in the wrong places, and it doesn't even matter because nobody noticed or cared either way.
I still get out of bed every morning to go to work or finish my university deadlines, I still have friends and I am still alone. I am probably still healthy, but not as healthy as I once was.
In a year, nothing has changed on the outside, but I have wasted a lot of time worrying to myself. The worst part is, I'm not done worrying, not even close.
I guess the point of this is to quote something I heard once;
"If you can't be a good example, you can be a horrible warning."
On the plus side, at least it shows how lucky I am. If I had real problems I wouldn't have time to waste worrying about something so trivial.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
This was when I realised how close I was to a burn out.
Please, if it is going to happen again, let it be after my deadlines and not during a shift.
I can't think at all.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
then i watched one of grandma. she picked me up and held me close and gave me a cuddle. she has been dead for 15 years and i didnt even remember her voice. i got as sad as ive been for a while but this time i cried.
then i fell asleep and dreamed earthquakes and swimming and shattered glass and deep baths.
but i also saw my friends back in cheshire floating around inside my head and when i opened my eyes i was at home.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
my legs were in the air.
the flashdance top which had fashioned itself as a dress through choosing a size too big was riding up and revealing the tops of my thighs to the neighbourhood.
his legs lay across mine.
we didnt care.
he drew and i wrote.
he asked me what i wanted to do if i could do anything at all.
"go to canada. become famous. not too famous, just famous enough to matter. then come home and be nobody again, i think that would be cool."
"yeah, that would be cool. i want to have intercourse with barack and michelle obama. i guess your wish is slightly more plausible."
we laughed, almost catnapped, and when the clouds covered the sun we went inside to watch a film.
having another place to call home means i can escape and three years are quickly erased. the memories we cant share are wiped clean and all that is left is an easier, simpler time when we were just friends with few real cares or worries, living out of each others pockets with a naive outlook on the world.in a small town you can dream that you will become anything.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
It's not that she walked away
Her world got smaller
All the usual places
The same destinations
Only something's changed.
She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.
She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.
It's not that the transparency
Of her earlier incarnations
Now looked back on
Were rich and loaded
With beautiful vulnerability
But now she knows
Now is greater
And she knows that.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
across the bridge and down by the river, close to where my Grandmas ashes were scattered.
i stopped for a while to catch my breath, and when i looked around and saw how perfect and peaceful everything was, i felt a few tears buzz and prickle at the back of my eyes.
when i come back here it often feels like i have walked into a distorted dream or a blurred memory.
everything becomes very vivid with a fuzzy border, and i feel upset as well as my happiest.
the part of my stomach which used to ache for people now aches for home... even when i am here.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
What people really need to see is how realistic goals can be reached. This is the point at which I realised how blessed I am to have such great role models.
At my age, my mum definitely had a better figure than me. She lost it over the years, but always manages to look brilliant whatever she is wearing because she knows how to flatter herself, and accessorises with quirky jewellery without making it look like an overstatement. She has never dyed her hair so it looks great, and she doesn’t wear too much make up either, which works in her favour. My Grandma and Auntie on my Dads side of the family look impeccable for their age. Perhaps it is in part due to “good genes” but the fact that they eat well, sleep properly and exercise regularly has to have had some effect on it all. They don’t look “young” because they are not young. They just look great for their age. I don’t want to have a shiny, stretched face with no expression; I want wrinkles that show me as a real person with emotions.
My obsession with weight is embarrassing. After death, being fat is the thing I fear most, and I know that makes me a hideously shallow person. I am going to get old; that much is unavoidable (perhaps if nothing else it will bring some clarity) but the thought of spreading out absolutely terrifies me. Seeing the women on both sides of the family looking as well as they do gives me some confidence. I am blessed that the only things they have wanted me to change are my piercings and provocative clothes, both of which I grew out of on my own. They embraced me being an individual teenager, and always said “dare to be different” So I did. I can only imagine how horrible it would be to encounter adults trying to change how you looked and felt. I hear dreadful stories about mothers who tell girls with perfect figures to lose weight because of their own insecurities, and I hope if I have children I would have the backbone to love them no matter how they looked and not pass on any of my own hang-ups about self image, just the way my family have.
Monday, March 29, 2010
on the first day in months that i came close to exceeding my recommended daily allowance i read this:
Be vigilant as far as your food is concerned so as to avoid taking on weight which would transform itself into horrible folds of fat.
i think the chinese horoscope understands my needs.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
last night was incredible.
the gig at the independent arts centre was ridiculously cool; grace and the magic roots and free control were absolutley brilliant... the visuals that were projected onto the wall behind sally and the band were mesmerising. i really hope that place gets huuuge, it deserves it. what a lovely atmosphere. i met some cracking people!
after that i went to the garage to meet some friends so i could go to a party. one of them smashed a bottle of magners on the floor by accident so i stood around it to stop a lawsuit.
someone asked what it was (duhh) so i told them i was expecting triplets and they were about to come out.
the party was amazing... loads of people i didnt expect to see turned up and made the night. a boy was going round with a fisheye lens snapping pictures of everyone, it was really sweet.
when i ran out of rum i drunk more pepsi than my body had room for, it was great.
i wandered home around 6 or 7 while it was light and pink and blue and my eyes were hazy, but i was so happy. i cant remember the last time i felt this good.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
i had a dream last night that someone cut off my limbs and i was going to die, and a man took me in his arms and kissed me. i cried and said "thank you for making me feel less undesirable." i told my friends i was cross that i couldnt think of a poem to say as my final words and we all laughed.
my housemate took me into her room today to show me a lilac clockwork bunny with chicken feet called mr. easter... this wasnt a dream.
Friday, March 26, 2010
"i know your face..."
"uh oh. go on then..."
"you're that head media girl"
"oh wow, you basically just called me the king of media!"
"well you are arent you? you gave us that talk about being a student rep, you love media!"
"yeah, media is my boyfriend."
never have i been so proud to be keen.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
when i bolt the door twice,
and when my friend tom gives me a great big silly hug.
but sometimes i feel really weak and stupid and wish i had someone to ask me what is the matter? and tell me things will be fine even if they wont just to give me a bit of courage, and then tuck me up in bed and turn the light out.
i was scared of the dark until i was about 18 years old.
my room was like a circus with cheap and cheerful lava lamps, disco lights and spinning UFOs illuminating it all hours... it used to drive my parents mad.
my mum and dad knew i was a bit nervous about having a dark room when i was younger so they used to leave the door wide open with the landing light on, and the last thing they used to say as they left the room was
night night turn out the light, one two three!
and when i was making a cup of tea before i realised how much i missed that.
Monday, March 22, 2010
she motioned to me, put her arm around me and walked me through an imagined city.
i asked her why she had come back for me and she said "we were never supposed to be sympathetic but i couldnt forget your big eyes"
...and i was so safe and unaware.
i knew my subconscious was just trying to offer me something i had lost in reality.
when i woke up it felt like i was drunk from my dreams and for a while i couldnt remember who and where i really was.
disorientated, i knew at the very least that i was pleased to have forgotten.
why am i so terrified of waking?
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Although I have little interest in pursuing my severely limited writing skills after university, I thought it would be foolish to see this as a justification for missing such a great oppurtunity.
I went to a talk by Leicester Writers Club at 11am which was quite insightful. They spoke of their various experiences of success in publishing, which made me wish I had heard the talk before I handed an essay on the literary market in earlier this year. I met one of the writers afterwards, and was delighted to discover that we shared the same passion for keeping our family history alive.
Afterwards i did a bit of stallholding and felt very important and very out of my depth in equal measures. People kept asking important questions, to which i had to basically reply in better words, "i am not a useful or important human being, the people who can answer your questions will be back around 2pm."
At 1pm Some of our class read out their work. I was pleased to find that everyone kept to their 3 minute slots, rather than having to tolerate anyone who struggles to understand how GMT does not slow down for their own REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT reading. Saying that, Nath was perhaps a little bit over but began with a warning and an apology, neither of which were needed considering he stole the show and was definitley the best person to end with. I read one poem and said something about yoda. I didnt mean to say anything about yoda.
The readings by Crystal Clear at 3pm were all excellent too. I met a charming woman afterwards who told me she gets as nervous as I do about reading aloud, which was reassuring considering how confident she looked and the warm feedback she got from the audience. My favourite piece was the poem about the merman by Maria.
I then had a little bit of time to look around the stalls and FINALLY got my hands on not one but two copies of coffee house magazine, which I have had my eye on for a while. I would also like to take this moment to say that I wish I lived in Deborah Tyler-Bennett's wardrobe.
I met all manners of weird and wonderful people picking up pens, sweets and contact cards along the way. There were consideringly less waistcoats and bumbags than I first anticipated (I am not slating either item of course, as a child I was a keen waitcoat wearer and nothing makes sense at an all-day event like a bumbag.) and it was nice to be part of something which had such an electric atmosphere.
I was also allowed the rare chance to see chris partaking in manual labour while we helped with the relocation of over 4,000 tables... sweaty and hilarious all at once.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The Art Teacher
As I listened, the song took me back, and halfway through it, somebody sent me a text message out of the blue to tell me they had been listening to the same song and were thinking of me.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I am truly grateful for this, because to not realise how unhappy you are until it has left you is possibly for the best..
It struck me halfway through a sleepless night that I was thinking again as a young person with optimism, not someone who was slowly growing old and getting frustrated with everything in their life. I thought about some of the things that had made me see myself only as hopeless and insignificant, and I cried.
Partly because I didn't understand how someone who had (apparently) been so unhappy didnt cry anymore, and partly out of confusion, because I didn't feel sad about it, rather relieved and a little bit enlightened. I never like to cry in front of people, but i used to cry on my own a lot, and until it hit me i hadnt even noticed this had stopped. The same applies for talking in my sleep.
Instead of feeling upset and lonely, I counted all my blessings, which appeared mainly in the shape of friends I never expected to matter as much as they do.