in sleep is the only way...

i fell into a deep sleep this afternoon and while i was there, i turned round with tears in my eyes and found someone i hadnt seen for ten years standing at the door in my head.

she motioned to me, put her arm around me and walked me through an imagined city.

i asked her why she had come back for me and she said "we were never supposed to be sympathetic but i couldnt forget your big eyes"

...and i was so safe and unaware.

i knew my subconscious was just trying to offer me something i had lost in reality.

when i woke up it felt like i was drunk from my dreams and for a while i couldnt remember who and where i really was.

disorientated, i knew at the very least that i was pleased to have forgotten.

why am i so terrified of waking?

I don't remember how to get out of the well.
help.

tossing and turning

Cliche as it might be, I realised last night that I found something I didnt know I had lost.

I am truly grateful for this, because to not realise how unhappy you are until it has left you is possibly for the best..

It struck me halfway through a sleepless night that I was thinking again as a young person with optimism, not someone who was slowly growing old and getting frustrated with everything in their life. I thought about some of the things that had made me see myself only as hopeless and insignificant, and I cried.

Partly because I didn't understand how someone who had (apparently) been so unhappy didnt cry anymore, and partly out of confusion, because I didn't feel sad about it, rather relieved and a little bit enlightened. I never like to cry in front of people, but i used to cry on my own a lot, and until it hit me i hadnt even noticed this had stopped. The same applies for talking in my sleep.

Instead of feeling upset and lonely, I counted all my blessings, which appeared mainly in the shape of friends I never expected to matter as much as they do.

:)

"he said you were the first girl to make him sit up and take notice in a long time, in years."

i have been thinking about this on and off and still dont know how much nothing to keep doing about it.

why oh whyeee

excessive contemplation is a predominant sleep thief.