IM MAD ME

I find it difficult to understand why people think it is enough to tell you to be yourself.
The ideology that if you stay true to yourself you will grant yourself the right to meet your perfect partner seems a bit botched.
Being yourself just to find a suitable mate seems rather stupid.
It takes real balls to be yourself through sacrificing the possibility of ever finding someone... To be so true to yourself that you risk being alone forever is quite intense.


Iif this seems hypocritical, find me in twenty years time.

I havent found my way out of the friend limbo yet... it is only getting worse.

today as I sobbed into my Grandma's arms over unimportant misunderstandings and sat down to dry my eyes as Dad explained what Milton Keynes was, I felt a little bit safer again.

i really want to be with my cat and hear her purr so i know i am safe and everything will be ok.

last week was one of the worst of my life.
it wasnt that anything particulaly bad happened, the whole affair was just utterly suffocating.
my little hamster died, in the middle of us moving house. i know there are a thousand and one worse things that can happen to a person, but watching her suffer and feeling completley helpless, then having to go to work and think about her there struggling on her own was horrible.
we buried her in the meadow and i will miss having her around. last summer she was the only company i had really.
i love my new house, but i am sick of being treated like a retarded 16 year old. my money is as good as anyone elses, and im not a stupid girl. it has been an uphill struggle, but at least i can be proud of myself because it was hard work that got me here.
on the topic of hard work, i secured a high 2:1, which was lovely. right in the middle of so many other problems it felt completley irrelevant, but i know everyone is proud of me which is what really counts.
i dont really feel anything anymore except tired. i have little money and even less fun but at least i am being independent.

i had a choice between sensible and brave and i chose brave because i would rather learn something new and be piss poor.



it is going to be a six month non-stop struggle.

hello, i dont fit in.

i really really miss my cat.

i have more on my mind than in it.
and erm, no one to talk to.

I don't know who I am but I'm pretty sure it isn't the person living here.

night night turn out the light one two three

i feel safe when i pay to get a taxi instead of walking home after a late shift,
when i bolt the door twice,
and when my friend tom gives me a great big silly hug.

but sometimes i feel really weak and stupid and wish i had someone to ask me what is the matter? and tell me things will be fine even if they wont just to give me a bit of courage, and then tuck me up in bed and turn the light out.

i was scared of the dark until i was about 18 years old.

my room was like a circus with cheap and cheerful lava lamps, disco lights and spinning UFOs illuminating it all hours... it used to drive my parents mad.

my mum and dad knew i was a bit nervous about having a dark room when i was younger so they used to leave the door wide open with the landing light on, and the last thing they used to say as they left the room was

night night turn out the light, one two three!

and when i was making a cup of tea before i realised how much i missed that.

in sleep is the only way...

i fell into a deep sleep this afternoon and while i was there, i turned round with tears in my eyes and found someone i hadnt seen for ten years standing at the door in my head.

she motioned to me, put her arm around me and walked me through an imagined city.

i asked her why she had come back for me and she said "we were never supposed to be sympathetic but i couldnt forget your big eyes"

...and i was so safe and unaware.

i knew my subconscious was just trying to offer me something i had lost in reality.

when i woke up it felt like i was drunk from my dreams and for a while i couldnt remember who and where i really was.

disorientated, i knew at the very least that i was pleased to have forgotten.

why am i so terrified of waking?

"he said you were the first girl to make him sit up and take notice in a long time, in years."

i have been thinking about this on and off and still dont know how much nothing to keep doing about it.

everything is temporary

im so lazy with my addictions.

at this moment in time it is hard to imagine a time when i didnt go more than 24 hours without a drink (i rarely find time to drink now)
but it is equally hard to remember how on earth i gave up smoking last year.

i have given up three times this year already, and i know it is better to be healthy and miss it, but right now i dont have time to go outside and forget myself by running through the meadows or drinking in the streets.

smoking on a rainy doorstep is my only current getaway. momentarily it substitutes being around everyone in the picture.


i long for a time when i can holiday again,

i want ghent 2009 back,

i want to play in paris,

i want to surf in cornwall.
The other day i noticed that i am rarely homesick for cheshire anymore and i think this is because the time when i leave leicester for good to go back there temporarily is shrinking right before my eyes so now i am trying to hold on very tightly to something which i spent a lot of time over the summer trying to escape. funny, that.

i would like christmas to hurry back soon...

valentines day

doesnt anybody ever get bored of being smug or bitter on the 14th?

it seems that everybody is either faffing about buying useless presents, trying to compete in romance with one another or pretenting they dont care until they are so drunk that all they can do is send cringey texts to people who couldnt care less.

i think valentines day can be useful because if society didnt pressure certain types of people for at least one day of the year, some poor bastards would never get anything.

i also think it is a complete waste of time for single people to get defensive and worked up... it seems selfish to boycott something meant for for happy couples because of lonely jelousy.

and what does 1 day matter? surely it is the other 364 you should be bothered about?

i wish everyone would stop trying to prove themselves to each other and just get the hell on with it...

it is pancake day on tuesday, start planning your fillings!

psssht

how i wish i was rainkissed more often.

the trick is to keep breathing

today i noticed my first wrinkles. they are on my forehead, which assumes that i have been very surprised for a 21 year old. regardless, wrinkles mean that your body is tattooing you with the notion that you have had a lot of a useful emotion... why cover that over with a blank stare?

i wear very little makeup these days.
most of the attractive women over 40 that i have the pleasure of knowing do not wear much makeup and they look better for it.... better than they believe they look. most of the girls my own age look best first thing in the morning and dont believe this either.

i know my appearence is all downhill from here. i struggle daily with my weight to the point where i am given embarrassing labels and the girls around me always look far more beautiful than i do, effortlessley.

the least i can do is make sure i dont look pretend.

perceptions and a pep talk

here's a little secret for the world wide web...
i often worry about what people think of me.
i think it is natural to do this, and if you don't, then congratulations on being enlightened.

however, it is unhealthy to worry too much, which is why i have come to realise that when it feels like i cant rely on anyone else to pick me up, shake me and call me a dickhead, i should just do it to myself.

being lonely can teach you a lot, and it isnt all bad.

back there for a second...

its just seaweed.

I dont see kelp in retail
I dont see kelp in my degree
I dont see kelp at the bottom of a bottle
Or on the man lying next to me
I dont hear kelp in music
I dont feel it much anymore
I only see kelp in the ocean with the otters
Who catch the stones I have thrown from my pockets
And wait for me patiently...

ten hours

during this time i had a kitten biting my feet non stop for a ridiculously long time, and i hugged my dad so hard, crying uncontrollably to him that i was so happy to finally be home.

then i woke up.