tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4188321072266492662024-02-21T04:05:59.344-08:00shut me up"aura must be until you open your mouth" -andy warholtwo queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.comBlogger184125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-82147544583139926872013-07-09T00:25:00.000-07:002013-07-09T00:25:04.353-07:00odd reallyI will broadcast something on the internet that I won't even tell my friends. I am so miserable and fed up.<br />
I feel like there is no silver lining but I do still feel extremely lucky.<br />
When I walk home alone in the dark without getting harassed I appreciate it,<br />
After being homeless for 5 months, having a room to myself,<br />
Getting a hug from someone who I have made angry all day just because they understand what I need,<br />
Laughing too hard and too long at something just because it feels right,<br />
Getting a message from one of my old friends,<br />
Hearing someone tell me I am still worth something in the world,<br />
Staying up all night to chat to someone who quickly changed from a stranger to a friend.<br />
All these things I really feel lucky to have.<br />
<br />two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-2121148486448268202012-07-14T12:11:00.000-07:002012-07-14T12:11:24.541-07:00<span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">Instead of finishing my nap I stared at a wall and thought about how much I needed to pour myself into you.</span>
<br />
<span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">Call me delusional, but I would rather spend my time in a happy daydream than angry and sad that reality is being so cruel to me. </span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">My daydream lets me function like a normal human being and get things done.</span></span>two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-30222938201154723372012-07-11T21:16:00.001-07:002012-07-11T21:16:13.912-07:00...then something terrible and beautiful happened.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-24393486667483775252012-07-07T16:25:00.003-07:002012-07-07T16:25:53.875-07:00We don't deserve this.I don't think there is a word yet for the emotion you go through when you and your best friend both have broken hearts together and not from each other.<br />
It feels a bit like bittersweet but far more intense and powerful, and lost but not quite so lonely.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-88243576809130265092012-06-29T03:22:00.002-07:002012-06-29T03:22:19.092-07:00-Sylvia Plath<span style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">“Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with somebody I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: 'I'll go take a hot bath.”</span>two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-20190826385705455492012-06-19T20:23:00.003-07:002012-06-19T20:23:45.903-07:00Sometimes I go crazy inside my own special breed of madness, and sometimes I marinate in it.<br />
I often wonder if I am going to drive myself to the brink of insanity and then just settle down and shut up.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-20375414410824369942012-05-30T23:05:00.002-07:002012-05-30T23:05:30.302-07:00I left you a buttercupbecause finally my life is going the way we both planned, more or less.<br />
<br />
God I miss you.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-82812315409603426472012-05-23T21:34:00.001-07:002012-05-23T21:34:22.688-07:00Todaybelonged to me.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-5846744729337514542012-05-23T03:50:00.002-07:002012-05-23T03:50:17.647-07:00If you can't lose what you never hadI must be losing my mind.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-60477955030482864902012-05-22T19:23:00.002-07:002012-05-22T19:23:53.616-07:00bittersweet sadness and blinding heat.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-45826660602181265152012-05-20T17:38:00.002-07:002012-05-20T17:38:04.513-07:00The last time I went blankwas 14 months ago when I heard "cancer."two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-14818195678524201322012-05-17T18:42:00.003-07:002012-05-17T18:42:53.971-07:00Imagine if for just one day of your life, you could have everything you wanted on that day.<br />
<br />
I would let each of my nearest and dearest turn into duplicate polly pockets and take them away with me to Canada.<br />
<br />
I would spend the morning with a basket of kittens, the afternoon with Grandma Beth, the evening at a dinner party with everyone I don't get to see enough of and the early hours of the next morning sitting on a bean bag with my best friend, playing nintendo, drinking wine out of teacups, smoking inside and having a heart to heart.<br />
<br />
I would surf, dance in a city centre, fly over a forest and tell everyone everything my somewhat limited self restraint stops me from saying.<br />
<br />
I would let someone close to me read me a bedtime story at 7am, spoon them to sleep then never ask anyone for anything ever again.<br />
<br />
What would you do?two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-46232597359170561452012-05-16T16:26:00.001-07:002012-05-16T21:55:22.227-07:00everything is spinning.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-48026250366423656732012-05-16T16:08:00.000-07:002012-05-16T16:08:15.065-07:00I see the way they look at me fondly, I am a pet to them, an unruly shrew with curves.<br />
I don't mind because I made myself this way...<br />
But you look right through me, past what I can even see myself, and you bring out the best in me.<br />
I like it, because I never anticipated it, not at all.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-41316595522477847512012-05-15T19:56:00.000-07:002012-05-16T03:06:07.432-07:00I do struggle with the idea that people want to stay. However, I let them stay. I let them stick like glue. They mould themselves onto me until I am an amalgamation of things they think I could be and things they need to be tolerant of while I become the person they deserve to be friends with. You will know when I have become this sort of person because I will stop broadcasting my insignificant problems to the world wide web.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-10502446582952588392012-05-09T21:34:00.000-07:002012-05-14T03:25:29.816-07:00<br />
late wine and secret optimism<br />
which is gone by morning making way<br />
for bloodshot eyes<br />
and limbo<br />
in which real lies are realised<br />
and suddenly<br />
the thoughts that plague you<br />
feel so insignificant<br />
if just for minutes<br />
giving you<br />
a clarity and slight release<br />
before it catches up with you<br />
so dizzy<br />
apathetic<br />
it will never feel perfect<br />
but at least<br />
it shows you everything<br />
with blurred perception<br />
long enough<br />
to make sense fuzzily<br />
of something hurting<br />
and so trivial<br />
maybe next time<br />
answers come<br />
instead of helping you<br />
forget the questiontwo queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-8871522532829880102012-05-09T18:29:00.002-07:002012-05-09T18:29:36.404-07:00Today was the hardest day of my life and the first day of the rest of my lifeI literally could not comprehend the inevitable, which in a way, stopped me from worrying.<br />
Staring out through the rain soaked window at the garden which held all my fondest memories, I couldn't bring myself to actually go outside and sit in it one last time. That garden was my favourite place in the world and now I can never go back there. I don't like the lack of control I have over the situation but I always try to spend as little time as possible worrying about things I know I can't change.<br />
I lay on the floor and sobbed until there were no more tears because it was all I could do.<br />
I knew she was going to die, but while the house was there, she was still alive. Even going back there today, seeing it stripped of character and not resembling anything in my head, I could still smell Clarins.<br />
She was still in there somehow, but we can't go back and I can no longer pretend everything is normal when I wake up from a nap in the spare room. I am going to miss that hazy limbo where my mind told me everything was fine for just a few precious seconds. No more wandering around looking at all her things the way she had left them, it has all gone. Completely dismantled, everything broken up like an unused jigsaw and scattered around our own houses so she can live on in a way in our day to day lives.<br />
I knew she was going to die, even though she didn't know herself, but nothing could prepare me for the death of the house. For me, she truly died the moment I shut the front door for the last time.<br />
I said goodbye to my childhood today, to everything I have ever understood as normality and now there is just the rest of everything else to deal with forever, and my god, I am not ready.<br />
<br />
I will never be ready. I don't think I will ever truly say goodbye, I can't. She makes up too much of me to let go.<br />
<br />two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-70678149472560138932012-04-04T19:42:00.002-07:002012-04-04T19:47:22.281-07:00everything is too easy nowI am too intolerant of hardship which means the smallest suggestion of conflict sends me overboard. It shouldn't be like this. I do not have enough responsibilities for a 23 year old. If someone was to look in on my life and hazard a guess, they would assume I was 16. I feel like I have been around forever but behave as though I was born yesterday. I worked so hard last year to fashion a persona which allowed people to believe I was achieving, but now I have unpicked all of the stitches and feel quite ashamed when I allow myself the time to reflect on what a fuck up I have let myself become. The devil may care attitude might look refreshing to some, but really it is just immaturity.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-34611480904949682002012-03-30T22:45:00.003-07:002012-04-04T19:52:43.957-07:00think outside the boxI can't offer you conventional behaviour but I will keep you occupied. I would rather be occupied than bored, personally. The same goes for all the men I subtly reject. I will love you with rose tinted glasses for the rest of our lives, but I won't expect you to see an inch of me as anything less than inadequate, however far our relationship progresses. Mind you, an ego boost is sometimes needed, thank you.<div><br /></div><div>A close friend asked me recently if I had a "one that got away" and I replied "all of them." Letting everyone go and keeping them as friends means I have friends forever rather than people who could've been amazing who I now ignore on the street. I won't die alone if I have my friends, I might die alone if they find someone truly amazing and better than me who sees me as a threat.</div>two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-73188785252181868262011-05-22T19:08:00.000-07:002011-05-22T19:11:28.996-07:00I am difficult, yes.<br /><br />But I didn't realise I was getting dropped while my entire life goes arse over tit.<br /><br />oh well.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-55824022004655801372011-03-15T18:05:00.000-07:002011-03-15T18:16:59.587-07:00i know this doesnt belong on the world wide web but realistically i cant think of anywhere else to put it. i feel like i cant make a good desicion. i feel underskilled and underwhelmed. most importantly, i have no emotions. i am just existing. i am more tied down than i have ever been and i have nothing to look forward to because the one thing in life that i could look forward to, my one feeble excuse of a dream will now only happen after my whole world comes crashing down in a way i will probably never fully recover from.<br /><br />i cant talk to anyone about it because people either do not understand or have to deal with far worse. i am so lucky to have such a vast and valuable support network but i need a goal to work towards and i cant have one. any suggestions are just a series of words and ill thought out ideas which will not work. i know this is all temporary but in a selfish way, it is not enough just to know that it will end at somepoint. i struggle to understand how people even recognise me because as an outsider looking in it must look as though my personality has been wiped and left a boring void. it is true that only boring people are bored, and i am so bored.<br /><br />the struggle is awful and boring, and will result in nothing. the worst part is that no matter how terrible i feel, it does not even enter the spectrum of how one of the most important people to me must be feeling. i will never be able to make them better, and that alone is so horrible. i feel utterly powerless to everything that is going on in my life. anything i do to try and change this will leave me riddled with guilt and it is just the beginning of a long hard struggle.<br /><br />i hope it will make me a stronger, better person but the wait is making me weak and hopeless. i am a bad, boring person and i miss making other people happy.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-54734451485110536082010-11-30T14:45:00.001-08:002010-11-30T14:49:40.347-08:00pack it inWhen I was a little girl I spent ridiculous amounts of time packing for an adventure that never happened.<br /><br />I packed as though it was ritual to do so, my room was full of hidden bags in case of various emergencies... anything from running away to a flash flood.<br /><br />It is a good job I have become so good at packing, because it is now what I spend my entire life doing.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-75990056483226310442010-11-17T18:41:00.000-08:002010-11-17T18:43:42.193-08:00I spent the last 48 hours trying to make other people happy (and sleeping) and all I have managed to do is make myself sad.<br /><br />I am so sick of my simple little world.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-81191175905591135062010-11-06T09:43:00.000-07:002010-11-06T09:45:51.577-07:00a whole day has passed. the sunbeams tore through the massive crack down my window today and pushed through the material (which fancies itself as a curtain) and i realised they were not unwelcome, even though it felt like i hadnt been to sleep at all.<br />i hope i forget everything about today apart from the sunbeams and the performance poetry i watched on youtube.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-418832107226649266.post-24969710346238129302010-10-07T19:52:00.000-07:002010-10-07T19:58:56.343-07:00so they found something lightyears away from earth with near enough "goldilocks" living conditions, except that it is fixed so from one angle there is an eternal sunrise.<br /><br />imagine that.two queenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12328043048512489374noreply@blogger.com0