Sunday, September 26, 2010

when im with you it feels like we have an audience.

so the first train home was total jokes... i was all sloppy and drunk and eating cold pizza out of tin foil and exchanging filth via text message with my friend too next to this guy in a suit and alls i could think was "my suit is at home today."

second train was much better. i usually have to travel alone because you know, i live forever away from everyone so it was unreal to catch a mates mum in the seat in front of me. how i laughed. she said she knew it was me on the phone (to her son as well) when she heard me talking about how i had disgraced myself. i apologised in case my behaviour had embarrased her and she said she doesnt waste time getting embarrassed. she would be the best mother in law ever, serious.

as we pulled up to the supermarket someone was getting arrested and i wondered if it was someone i knew... it wasnt. i saw a friend i havent spoken to in a very long time (on purpose) inside and instead of a punch i got a hug. i told her about my job and she told me she was waiting on a video rental callback. i said, "how nice that we've both ended up in the film industry" and for a split second when we laughed there was a little bit of the past there.

we had a big family meal because we are never ever together as a unit anymore. most of the discussion centered around fat people and how some of them get flat bottoms from sitting down too long, which was engaging. i havent had a sunday dinner in months. me and my housemate dont have a freezer or like, anything so it all puts a bit of a limit on a few things... this dinner was top notch as well.

i went to see a friend after. her family are hilarious. the kids are mental comedy genius, if i ever reproduce i hope mine are a bit like that. i love seeing her because she never does that ridiculous small talk thing, she just jumps into a random conversation. i really admire people who see the importance of doing this for me when i see them. only the best people do it.

saturday was unreal. it was so sad and decent all at once when we left the coffee shop after meeting my old bosses best mate and all three of us agreed that none of us had laughed like that in as long as we could remember. when did we all turn into these old, miserable people? i seriously cant hack it. it was great to have a break from that for a bit.

saturday night was absolutley ridiculous. we all got terribly reckless and i literally felt exactly how i had wanted to feel for ages, which was 18 again. it seeped into the next day effortlessley, and when we got my mum to drop us at the park i found something i written on it in 2004.

i was an absolute state. we both were, and i loved every second of it. i never get to be a state anymore and i never get to answer "how are you?"truthfully and i never ever get an understanding nod instead of raised eyebrows... it was so good just to have people to talk to about everything and anything. while i was sat on the park i realised how rubbish it would be to take a step backwards in my life but at the same time, i think being so lonely is slowly eating away at me.

it twisted my stomach to hear how everyone was so bored and overworked. i mean, at least we are in this shit together but wow, we have all changed. last night and this morning were so crucial... i hope i never forget them.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

even if it isn't there, sometimes you have to keep looking for it.
and gone

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

you will never ever be made to feel this insignificant again.

i bet you are glad it is finally out of the way.

(no need to thank me.)

vy canis majoris

Monday, September 13, 2010

i really love the feeling you get just after it seems everything has gone to shit when small good things happen and it perks you up twice as much.


I find it difficult to understand why people think it is enough to tell you to be yourself.
The ideology that if you stay true to yourself you will grant yourself the right to meet your perfect partner seems a bit botched.
Being yourself just to find a suitable mate seems rather stupid.
It takes real balls to be yourself through sacrificing the possibility of ever finding someone... To be so true to yourself that you risk being alone forever is quite intense.

Iif this seems hypocritical, find me in twenty years time.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Today I saw a little girl smearing her hands all over some glued down pebbles near the city shopping centre... her mother said "FLO! goodness me, don't put your hands on that... do you know what has been on that?"

The little girl laughed and said "wee-wee."

Moments like these make me want to procreate.
lately ive grown very bitter towards the smug pity of people who have time in their day to sit and ponder. they see strangers around them walking too quickly to work away their lives and amble home in a blurry daze to wait until sleep consumes them before something loud and rude wakes them up and it begins all over again. and they can just sit there and feel pleased. i know i am just jealous. it is in part an angry envy because that it how my life used to be. i dont have chance to think about anything anymore, i feel uneducated and very tired. but once in a while admist a cloud of meaningless numbers and empty food wrappers with the television on mute so i dont feel quite so alone, something jumps out at me and shouts "wake up please" and for a split second i do, but it is all so confusing that even constructing a blog and putting a few stray attempts at punctuation in it seems a bit too much. i cant really forge an adequate viewpoint in all of this really, because truthfully i belong to neither group and i guess it would be ridiculous to assume that anyone else really does either, but often it feels like such a clear divide that it is easy to let yourself think there is black and white, and no shades in between. every day i strike meaningless, interesting, shallow connections with people i dont know at all and i suppose it is important but sometimes it would be lovely just to sit in some grass somewhere with a stranger or otherwise and really... you know, engage in something.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

every day i wake up tired and go to work until they send me home.
then i eat through boredom and just wait for sleep.

i feel like a nothing...

but today i walked through the trees and didnt need to feel anything for an hour :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

I havent found my way out of the friend limbo yet... it is only getting worse.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

postgrads living at home with their parents on the dole...

i hate it when you have strong opinions on something you dont really understand.