last time i looked in the mirror i was a naive little girl with colourful hair who was scared and excited to be going to university.
now i wake with swollen eyes to panic about council tax before i can get back to sleep,
i work 16 hour shifts not only because i really need the money but because i have nothing better to do and like having people to talk to.
i cry quickly without noise and on my own.
(people could make the fuss i dont want to cause and tell me everything will be ok,
but then i would just whisper you don't know that
and they would say i was only trying to help.)
i dont want people to see me as a weakling and crying in public is a bit awkward really. besides, ive written worse on a blog, what is anybody going to do?
my whole day is governed by trivial calculations... how much money do i have for food, how much would cheaper broadband cost split between two, how much am i saving on a bedsit with bills included if the rent is extra, how many calories have i had, how much change does that man need, shit... how many calories have i had again? how much is a cappucino sachet worth if i buy a box of ten, how much is that saving if i stop drinking takeout coffee in town, how many calories have i had NOW, how much is the bus home, how many hours sleep will i get before a ten hour shift if i walk, how many calories will i fail to burn if i dont, and on and on and on and ive always fucking hated maths.
the only thing holding me together is the knowledge that i am trying my best, i KNOW i am.
i could fail and end up jobless and homeless, (and every week until christmas it will be at the front of my mind) but at least i am trying to live in the real world and not taking a step backwards just because it would be convenient.
when i look in the mirror now, i remind myself of the part in slaughterhouse 5 when the old lady says to her son,
"when did i get so old?"