i had a choice between sensible and brave and i chose brave because i would rather learn something new and be piss poor.



it is going to be a six month non-stop struggle.

hello, i dont fit in.

i really really miss my cat.

on leaving university

I thought I would feel more. I thought there would be plenty of leaving parties and last hugs goodbye, but there wasn't. People just started to fade away, and I continued to go to work everyday, completley unaffected.

Perhaps it will hit me when September comes, and I realise that we will never sit in a classroom together again, or make a trip to the local pub in between lectures, or laugh and share hangovers and stupid in-jokes. I think that because I am not leaving myself, it doesn't feel like such a huge step. It is nice to return from a long shift and think "well that's me done then, goodnight."

Just before I left for University, someone told me that if I walked out of their front door we would no longer be friends. I called their bluff and left, and we didn't speak for a year. When my Mum found out I was walking home in the middle of the night she came and picked me up and for the first time in our lives, we had a heart-to-heart. She told me what was on her mind, and I returned the favour. Mum said that she thought uni would be good for me and she knew I would be fine because I had always adapted really well to change. I imagined myself to be someone who would find change hard, but over the years I have realised that it affects me so little that it is almost worrying.

I like to be able to fret about tiny things, huge things just seem to happen. I suppose it will be the tiny things I miss most too; Coffee with Chris, laughing with Claire, having a cigarette with Joe and wondering why we weren't closer. Bumping into Alexia and Laurena when we were all late for lectures, and always getting something out of even a really small conversation with them. Sitting on the rock while the lads smoked roll ups and let me join in their crude and hilarious conversations as an honourary man. I'll miss Georgia, because I don't think I will ever meet another person like her.

So yes, the tiny things will creep up on me and demand I feel their absence, but nothing really feels any different.

it has all gone too fast.

if i stop to think too slowly

i will cry and i won't stop

and it wont help.

everything is temporary

im so lazy with my addictions.

at this moment in time it is hard to imagine a time when i didnt go more than 24 hours without a drink (i rarely find time to drink now)
but it is equally hard to remember how on earth i gave up smoking last year.

i have given up three times this year already, and i know it is better to be healthy and miss it, but right now i dont have time to go outside and forget myself by running through the meadows or drinking in the streets.

smoking on a rainy doorstep is my only current getaway. momentarily it substitutes being around everyone in the picture.


i long for a time when i can holiday again,

i want ghent 2009 back,

i want to play in paris,

i want to surf in cornwall.
The other day i noticed that i am rarely homesick for cheshire anymore and i think this is because the time when i leave leicester for good to go back there temporarily is shrinking right before my eyes so now i am trying to hold on very tightly to something which i spent a lot of time over the summer trying to escape. funny, that.

i would like christmas to hurry back soon...

coming back to a sight to put it right...

ever since i discovered that i can go back home for a day, the notion has lifted everything else into a tiny manageable cloud.

leicester was so peaceful tonight. the wind was gushing and pushing around nothing, it was lovely.

and it felt as though i had climbed into my own head for a while and had a little sit down.

what a deep breath... ahhhhhhhh

location location location

psychogeography is where it's at.

independent and growing up

often replace lonely and worried without permission.

festival

honey slaves

wombats

millenium gussets

hobgoblins

plie?