Saturday, July 31, 2010

bored of being jealous of the reckless

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I realise now that I only felt alone because I was disappointing myself by looking in the obvious places.

yesterday i did lots of things in 22 hours and i felt tired and happy.

today i did nothing and i still feel happy.

Friday, July 16, 2010

with dramatic ease
i fell to my knees
and soon enough
you were sick of me

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

why i laugh when i am sad.

kurt vonnegut rightly identified laughter as potential responses to frustration and exhaustion.
osho said you could not control an ecstatic man.
misery loves company, but laughter is infectious.
i will continue to laugh, even if it must be instead of you or in spite of you.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

when to keep a friend

"That's not an answer, love. I know I'm the kind of guy you hate till I'm inside you but like it or not, I don't like to think you're in a bad way."

Monday, July 12, 2010

i dont want to be satisfied with my job forever, but while i have nothing else to wake up for, i am so grateful that i enjoy it. ive had far worse after all, and even then it has never been that bad.

today a middle aged couple came in when it was quiet so i went out of my way to help them, partly for the (very selfish) reason that i knew it would make me feel better about myself.

"you're ever so happy today, why are you so happy? have you been taking happy pills? oh it's lovely to speak to someone who is so happy..."

well goodness me. i was having a horrible day, i had recieved some terrible news on my break and even before my break i was messing everything up and feeling a little out of focus.

for the rest of my shift i smiled.

their kindness had such a lovely knock-on effect, i almost didnt want to come home.
i really want to be with my cat and hear her purr so i know i am safe and everything will be ok.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"...truer than all subsequent loves because it never had to survive real life"
-The Virgin Suicides
last week was one of the worst of my life.
it wasnt that anything particulaly bad happened, the whole affair was just utterly suffocating.
my little hamster died, in the middle of us moving house. i know there are a thousand and one worse things that can happen to a person, but watching her suffer and feeling completley helpless, then having to go to work and think about her there struggling on her own was horrible.
we buried her in the meadow and i will miss having her around. last summer she was the only company i had really.
i love my new house, but i am sick of being treated like a retarded 16 year old. my money is as good as anyone elses, and im not a stupid girl. it has been an uphill struggle, but at least i can be proud of myself because it was hard work that got me here.
on the topic of hard work, i secured a high 2:1, which was lovely. right in the middle of so many other problems it felt completley irrelevant, but i know everyone is proud of me which is what really counts.
i dont really feel anything anymore except tired. i have little money and even less fun but at least i am being independent.