last time i looked in the mirror i was a naive little girl with colourful hair who was scared and excited to be going to university.

now i wake with swollen eyes to panic about council tax before i can get back to sleep,

i work 16 hour shifts not only because i really need the money but because i have nothing better to do and like having people to talk to.

i cry quickly without noise and on my own.

(people could make the fuss i dont want to cause and tell me everything will be ok,
but then i would just whisper you don't know that
and they would say i was only trying to help.)

i dont want people to see me as a weakling and crying in public is a bit awkward really. besides, ive written worse on a blog, what is anybody going to do?

my whole day is governed by trivial calculations... how much money do i have for food, how much would cheaper broadband cost split between two, how much am i saving on a bedsit with bills included if the rent is extra, how many calories have i had, how much change does that man need, shit... how many calories have i had again? how much is a cappucino sachet worth if i buy a box of ten, how much is that saving if i stop drinking takeout coffee in town, how many calories have i had NOW, how much is the bus home, how many hours sleep will i get before a ten hour shift if i walk, how many calories will i fail to burn if i dont, and on and on and on and ive always fucking hated maths.

the only thing holding me together is the knowledge that i am trying my best, i KNOW i am.

i could fail and end up jobless and homeless, (and every week until christmas it will be at the front of my mind) but at least i am trying to live in the real world and not taking a step backwards just because it would be convenient.

when i look in the mirror now, i remind myself of the part in slaughterhouse 5 when the old lady says to her son,

"when did i get so old?"

we lay on a hobo blanket in his front garden.
my legs were in the air.
the flashdance top which had fashioned itself as a dress through choosing a size too big was riding up and revealing the tops of my thighs to the neighbourhood.
his legs lay across mine.
we didnt care.
he drew and i wrote.


he asked me what i wanted to do if i could do anything at all.
"go to canada. become famous. not too famous, just famous enough to matter. then come home and be nobody again, i think that would be cool."
"yeah, that would be cool. i want to have intercourse with barack and michelle obama. i guess your wish is slightly more plausible."
we laughed, almost catnapped, and when the clouds covered the sun we went inside to watch a film.

"claire, sometimes i think i just made you up"

yesterday i finally had 16 hours lying in bed in my cheshire bedroom to read "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. it is the first time for many years that i have done any of the above, and it was lovely. finally, i read a book that listened to me.

the other night i spent the early hours of the morning watching the extras on the mary poppins dvd. there was some video and sound extracts from the premiere and it was fascinating and really quite magical to watch... nobody seemed real. julie andrews is such a gracious swan, i love everything i know about her.

two christmas miracles: rage against the machine got to number one... i ate my weight in sin and lost half a stone.

riding in cars with boys

"I'm 22 years old - that's almost 30, and I still haven't accepted that this is my life. And I just wish that I could be dumb. And then I wouldn't know better and I could be happy and stop hoping. And I'm telling you this like you're interested in my boring life."
- Beverly, Riding in Cars with boys

canada canada canada

tonight i made a promise to myself that i would not let real life get in the way anymore.
i may have put myself into a self induced slumber for months in order to earn money to pursue a dream which i am not entirely sure why i am chasing.

perhaps i will lose myself completley instead of finding whatever it is i feel the need to follow.

but for now i have to restore some sort of balance,

so that at least if at the end of the rainbow there is nothing,

i have not just been watching the rain.

if but hopefully

when i have children i will smack them when they are ridiculous but also make sure they have an imagination, manners, 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day and absences from school for (only partially) educational days out.

the rest will have to weave itself i guess.

tickled

today we were asked what we wanted to do after our degrees re: our degrees.

i said "well i want to move to canada" and people laughed but it wasnt supposed to be funny.

someone else said "i want to write the ingredients on shampoo bottles" which was.