Tuesday, March 15, 2011

i know this doesnt belong on the world wide web but realistically i cant think of anywhere else to put it. i feel like i cant make a good desicion. i feel underskilled and underwhelmed. most importantly, i have no emotions. i am just existing. i am more tied down than i have ever been and i have nothing to look forward to because the one thing in life that i could look forward to, my one feeble excuse of a dream will now only happen after my whole world comes crashing down in a way i will probably never fully recover from.

i cant talk to anyone about it because people either do not understand or have to deal with far worse. i am so lucky to have such a vast and valuable support network but i need a goal to work towards and i cant have one. any suggestions are just a series of words and ill thought out ideas which will not work. i know this is all temporary but in a selfish way, it is not enough just to know that it will end at somepoint. i struggle to understand how people even recognise me because as an outsider looking in it must look as though my personality has been wiped and left a boring void. it is true that only boring people are bored, and i am so bored.

the struggle is awful and boring, and will result in nothing. the worst part is that no matter how terrible i feel, it does not even enter the spectrum of how one of the most important people to me must be feeling. i will never be able to make them better, and that alone is so horrible. i feel utterly powerless to everything that is going on in my life. anything i do to try and change this will leave me riddled with guilt and it is just the beginning of a long hard struggle.

i hope it will make me a stronger, better person but the wait is making me weak and hopeless. i am a bad, boring person and i miss making other people happy.