everything is temporary

im so lazy with my addictions.

at this moment in time it is hard to imagine a time when i didnt go more than 24 hours without a drink (i rarely find time to drink now)
but it is equally hard to remember how on earth i gave up smoking last year.

i have given up three times this year already, and i know it is better to be healthy and miss it, but right now i dont have time to go outside and forget myself by running through the meadows or drinking in the streets.

smoking on a rainy doorstep is my only current getaway. momentarily it substitutes being around everyone in the picture.


i long for a time when i can holiday again,

i want ghent 2009 back,

i want to play in paris,

i want to surf in cornwall.
The other day i noticed that i am rarely homesick for cheshire anymore and i think this is because the time when i leave leicester for good to go back there temporarily is shrinking right before my eyes so now i am trying to hold on very tightly to something which i spent a lot of time over the summer trying to escape. funny, that.

i would like christmas to hurry back soon...

why oh whyeee

excessive contemplation is a predominant sleep thief.

tweet

like a bird chirping in the rain
she walks home wet
with a smile

orange snow

the other night when it began to snow again i lay in bed staring at the window, which was glowing an offensive shade of bright orange.

i got that safe itch of childhood excitment once more, which i didnt even feel at christmas at all.

people may complain that the snow is grating on them but for me wet feet and soggy hair is a small price to pay for a feeling i thought i had lost forever.

at a risk of looking stupid through knowing no adjectives more fitting,

nature is honest and magic.

"help me! i need to jump..."

"...how high?"

i was nearly lost at sea for a second there.

thank you.

it has to be said

constant smugness really pisses me off... what happened to everything in moderation?

snow was big today :)

lipstick pintglass

whenever the topic of second wave feminism comes up i feel ever so guilty.

i remember one time last year when i asked if there was actually anything left for my generation of women to fight for, and was rightfully met with a set of raised eyebrows and a list.

it feels like my mothers generation fought so hard for things that we now just take for granted, and i often worry that i am unknowingly undoing all their good work by being so lazy and ignorant.

i spent an afternoon reading about third wave feminism over christmas and it makes a lot of sense, but as is always the case with the lack of time to consume useful information for a worthy cause, i didnt understand the complexities of the bigger picture, and didnt know enough to make a valid opinion on it all.

i cant stand the blank face i can feel myself pulling when someone makes a reference that i dont understand, or the awkward silence that follows one of my unwanted opinions.

it is things like this which make me feel very detached from everybody.

dogs and pregnancy

i have been having very strange dreams again.

i dream that dogs are smothering me... it always makes me uncomfortable but kind of safe.

i dream that i am pregnant. sometimes i think to myself in the dream "this cant be possible" and the baby just goes away with the notion that it couldnt possibly exist. one time i realised i had to get an abortion and it was so terrifying that i had to wake up...

these dreams are perhaps the result of sleeping in a very big dressing gown in a cold house and drinking too much herbal tea before bedtime.

valentines day

doesnt anybody ever get bored of being smug or bitter on the 14th?

it seems that everybody is either faffing about buying useless presents, trying to compete in romance with one another or pretenting they dont care until they are so drunk that all they can do is send cringey texts to people who couldnt care less.

i think valentines day can be useful because if society didnt pressure certain types of people for at least one day of the year, some poor bastards would never get anything.

i also think it is a complete waste of time for single people to get defensive and worked up... it seems selfish to boycott something meant for for happy couples because of lonely jelousy.

and what does 1 day matter? surely it is the other 364 you should be bothered about?

i wish everyone would stop trying to prove themselves to each other and just get the hell on with it...

it is pancake day on tuesday, start planning your fillings!

"you are always causing trouble"

perhaps,

but at least i am self aware enough to realise when i am being irritatingly smug, flaky or pretentious... i am being smug about this right now, just so you know.

this is what smug looks like.

you really cant win can you.
if you keep something to yourself, it eats you up and makes you bitter.
if you share it, you are bitching,
and if you are honest, you are trouble.

sometimes i really want to grab a few induviduals and shout

OH MY GOD YOU ARE JUST AS SHIT AS I AM!

because i dont remember anyone in this world having the authority to let them think they were anything else.

i am so so sad and nobody knows

writing a blog really is like sending a message in a bottle.

be my twitcher.

find out what one is, then become it. i might love you.

<3

i sideways vee and three you

"claire, sometimes i think i just made you up"

yesterday i finally had 16 hours lying in bed in my cheshire bedroom to read "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. it is the first time for many years that i have done any of the above, and it was lovely. finally, i read a book that listened to me.

the other night i spent the early hours of the morning watching the extras on the mary poppins dvd. there was some video and sound extracts from the premiere and it was fascinating and really quite magical to watch... nobody seemed real. julie andrews is such a gracious swan, i love everything i know about her.

two christmas miracles: rage against the machine got to number one... i ate my weight in sin and lost half a stone.

fade away the shake up

tomorrow i go home.

psssht

how i wish i was rainkissed more often.

oh.

i now realise that my writing isnt worse, i am just better at spotting all the glaring errors without having yet developed any sort of talent whatsoever to amend them.

erm...

cat vacuuming? OHHHH.

this makes plenty of sense.

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2006/04/27/10-things-teenage-writers-should-know-about-writing/

the trick is to keep breathing

today i noticed my first wrinkles. they are on my forehead, which assumes that i have been very surprised for a 21 year old. regardless, wrinkles mean that your body is tattooing you with the notion that you have had a lot of a useful emotion... why cover that over with a blank stare?

i wear very little makeup these days.
most of the attractive women over 40 that i have the pleasure of knowing do not wear much makeup and they look better for it.... better than they believe they look. most of the girls my own age look best first thing in the morning and dont believe this either.

i know my appearence is all downhill from here. i struggle daily with my weight to the point where i am given embarrassing labels and the girls around me always look far more beautiful than i do, effortlessley.

the least i can do is make sure i dont look pretend.

selfish

quiet little fireworks

i would really quite like a cigarette.
i dont need one i guess, i just think i do.
i have already looked all over the house twice, and even though i know there arent any, i will still keep looking.

all i want for christmas

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQH7972wAj6wkdHs0BkOSJG5DpqSUMSTCntgOk_3mRdRWzKItofkABF8zU-1f5bRrZ91A7RHgkiY5W-BvR3udMADcXdvGDc7EXwxK0eGtt5g4P_3SzTX3zkdYgErSKLn23zc2GMNov48Ur/s320/Sainsbury

and cheshire.


and secretley to be thin, world wide web.

riding in cars with boys

"I'm 22 years old - that's almost 30, and I still haven't accepted that this is my life. And I just wish that I could be dumb. And then I wouldn't know better and I could be happy and stop hoping. And I'm telling you this like you're interested in my boring life."
- Beverly, Riding in Cars with boys

i wish i wish

i wish

someone would show me how to kill my darlings

lectures

yesterday we learned about narcissicm (sp) and now i am very embarrassed.

perceptions and a pep talk

here's a little secret for the world wide web...
i often worry about what people think of me.
i think it is natural to do this, and if you don't, then congratulations on being enlightened.

however, it is unhealthy to worry too much, which is why i have come to realise that when it feels like i cant rely on anyone else to pick me up, shake me and call me a dickhead, i should just do it to myself.

being lonely can teach you a lot, and it isnt all bad.

canada canada canada

tonight i made a promise to myself that i would not let real life get in the way anymore.
i may have put myself into a self induced slumber for months in order to earn money to pursue a dream which i am not entirely sure why i am chasing.

perhaps i will lose myself completley instead of finding whatever it is i feel the need to follow.

but for now i have to restore some sort of balance,

so that at least if at the end of the rainbow there is nothing,

i have not just been watching the rain.

i wish i had some words for this metaphor

http://thereifixedit.com/2009/11/25/you-realize-everything-and-the-sink-is-just-a-saying-right/

"Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization"

"What I am suggesting is that we respect and value other people as if they were us, because they always are"

-Joli Jenson

back there for a second...

tears in the bathwater

dramatic bathroom scenes.
i have a shameless love of them... i never told anyone until my housemate accidentley blurted out that she felt the same way.

having a bad week?

nothing feels as good as sliding down the shower, mascara to your shoulder blades, its foolproof.

today was no exception... i put my head under the water and made a promise to myself that next time i hated the city i would go back there for a minute and remember how home felt... there is a warmth that was a void.

coming back to a sight to put it right...

ever since i discovered that i can go back home for a day, the notion has lifted everything else into a tiny manageable cloud.

leicester was so peaceful tonight. the wind was gushing and pushing around nothing, it was lovely.

and it felt as though i had climbed into my own head for a while and had a little sit down.

what a deep breath... ahhhhhhhh

its just seaweed.

I dont see kelp in retail
I dont see kelp in my degree
I dont see kelp at the bottom of a bottle
Or on the man lying next to me
I dont hear kelp in music
I dont feel it much anymore
I only see kelp in the ocean with the otters
Who catch the stones I have thrown from my pockets
And wait for me patiently...

if but hopefully

when i have children i will smack them when they are ridiculous but also make sure they have an imagination, manners, 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day and absences from school for (only partially) educational days out.

the rest will have to weave itself i guess.

well well well

"i asked him how he could still be friends with them both when they had gone behind his back"

if i had said it was possible i would be starting a very contradictory argument.

if i said it wasnt, i would be reminding her that she had done the same to me.

fastwind

i have spent years developing an interchangeable, fluid skin which both rips and thickens in odd layers at its own unpredictable discretion.

as i grow up, responsibility quietly compromises all of my dreams and sprinkles pessimism everywhere.

i boringly observe everything around me and only find any truth in nature.
the longer i spend around people my own age, the more i like my parents.

on some old cassette players, when you hit fast forward and rewind at the same time, they would become stuck and made a horrible repetetive clicking noise until you hit down harder on one button to put the other out of its misery.

i love useless self indulgent metaphors, they behave like laxatives.

cruises for bruises

sooner or later, someone is bound to slip up.

enlightenment as mass deception

just put everything into real words really, over and over again.

lots of beautiful words for hideous things.

the only true thing in this world is nature.

she shouted

learn something from me.

squeak

how does anyone forget that they have an obsession with otters?

(i really thought i was going to get into the sylvanian families magazine for this one.)

ten hours

during this time i had a kitten biting my feet non stop for a ridiculously long time, and i hugged my dad so hard, crying uncontrollably to him that i was so happy to finally be home.

then i woke up.

one for the team

i reckon that not letting yourself realise and appreciate something until it is too late is a pretty miserable cycle to try and figure your way out of.

oh hello familiar mess

aren't you looking very cliche this morning?

ice oh late one

no matter how lonely i felt when i was here on my own, nothing feels as isolated as this.

repeat after me

i must not spread myself too thinly this year
i must not spread myself too thinly this year
i must not spread myself too thinly this year
i must not spread myself too thinly this year
i must not spread myself too thinly this year

tickled

today we were asked what we wanted to do after our degrees re: our degrees.

i said "well i want to move to canada" and people laughed but it wasnt supposed to be funny.

someone else said "i want to write the ingredients on shampoo bottles" which was.

shades of grey

are all very well until there are no colours too.

dark silk

Stop looking into the filth of the night for your answers
It might weave spiders webs around your dreams
But murk is never what it seems...

halfway to 42

castle
500 steps
is it just me or is everything shit?
bike lock
teapot
sparkles
rum rum rum rum rum
new dresses
french boy
dub step
jammin
freezing piggybacks
walks of shame
touchable bubbles
glowing balloons
family
dog toy
crayons
rainbows
hamster bedding
singing for a day
hangovers
confusion
overdoing it
quorn cocktail sausages
sweeping pommygranitzz
crown
mocking peacocks
carlsberg
lots more carlsberg
absolutley fabulous
too much bling
too many hats
cake
hilarious meals
spinning rooms
stamps everywhere
mix and match friends
media
glittery cards
second hand camera
97 loveloves
hugs
free blue juice
pocahontas
eat natural bars
diet coke
bikes rabbits roses
ruby slippers
trauma
bed wetting
i have never
talking to everyone
gone hips
ann summers costumes
surprises
blisters
stir fry in bed
mock champers
lipstick everywhere



thank you thank you thank you

erica

"i am suffocated by the weight of your collective disapproval"

ellen and elton don't even enter the equation.

i heard a homosexual person say that they would not consider dating a bisexual person because they wanted someone who could give them their "everything."

well this is silly, because you can only give some things to some people anyway, and that isnt any more negotiable than your sexuality is.

for example;

i can smile at anyone with my mouth, but i only smile at some people with my eyes... i do not choose to do either.

if you are going to call something greedy, you should perhaps check first if what they have is in fact rationed.

one day

one day i am going to keep a tally on one arm of how often i have a silly thought about death and a tally on the other of how often i think about my appearence and i shall report back with numbers, and then get a real hobby and maybe a grip.

congratulations

claire: she is gay too...
mum: well what do you want for her, a medal?
claire: yes.

mother tutting is the soundtrack to my life

scent

i held a skirt which belonged to my grandma who has been dead for over ten years and it felt as though she was alive again for a few seconds.

"Trying to look good limits my life." -Stefan Sagmeister

ltd.

a boy says to a girl

"stop it! you are more patronising than custard. "

location location location

psychogeography is where it's at.

independent and growing up

often replace lonely and worried without permission.

i don't want you 'til you're cheap

he said

without noticing at all.

tell me

why do people who really want to travel buy cats and dogs? it is selfish.

a hamster is a handful, any way you look at it.

swap?

On "wife swap" a black man just claimed that a white woman lived in a world without discrimination and explained that he wanted to burst her bubble a little bit,
open her eyes if you will.

Now while i agree that he absolutley did the right thing, the assumption that "discrimination" does not account for gender, class, sexuality and disability irritated me somwhat.

beautiful days

belgium is ridiculously underrated.

festival

honey slaves

wombats

millenium gussets

hobgoblins

plie?

why we like bad boys

someone who has the capacity to fuck you up but doesnt actually do it is granting you a conscious favour.

good boys arent doing anything except being better people.

death

can
halt
disorder

perhaps no women

is happy with herself inside and out.

and

perhaps most women

would rather be big and satisfied rather than small and insecure.

diapause

triops can survive in egg form during drouts for up to 15 years...
there is a metaphor in this somewhere.

the gap you dont leave when you leave

i reckon everybody likes to think that they create a void when they disappear.

why older men might think they want me

precocious
tight

the flowers got me thinking

id hate to be a flower because if i was a flower i would have to drink the wee of people just like me.

the internet is a funny thing

this week on facebook it was suggested on my mini-feed that i "become a fan of rough sex."
as if it wasnt enough that my whole life is plastered on this social networking train wreck of a website, you can now find out if i like my porch shaken or stirred.

space wasting

i apologise in advance.

hello invisible friends

:)