I left you a buttercup

because finally my life is going the way we both planned, more or less.

God I miss you.

Today

belonged to me.

If you can't lose what you never had

I must be losing my mind.

bittersweet sadness and blinding heat.

The last time I went blank

was 14 months ago when I heard "cancer."

Imagine if for just one day of your life, you could have everything you wanted on that day.

I would let each of my nearest and dearest turn into duplicate polly pockets and take them away with me to Canada.

I would spend the morning with a basket of kittens, the afternoon with Grandma Beth, the evening at a dinner party with everyone I don't get to see enough of and the early hours of the next morning sitting on a bean bag with my best friend, playing nintendo, drinking wine out of teacups, smoking inside and having a heart to heart.

I would surf, dance in a city centre, fly over a forest and tell everyone everything my somewhat limited self restraint stops me from saying.

I would let someone close to me read me a bedtime story at 7am, spoon them to sleep then never ask anyone for anything ever again.

What would you do?

everything is spinning.

I see the way they look at me fondly, I am a pet to them, an unruly shrew with curves.
I don't mind because I made myself this way...
But you look right through me, past what I can even see myself, and you bring out the best in me.
I like it, because I never anticipated it, not at all.

I do struggle with the idea that people want to stay. However, I let them stay. I let them stick like glue. They mould themselves onto me until I am an amalgamation of things they think I could be and things they need to be tolerant of while I become the person they deserve to be friends with. You will know when I have become this sort of person because I will stop broadcasting my insignificant problems to the world wide web.

late wine and secret optimism
which is gone by morning making way
for bloodshot eyes
and limbo
in which real lies are realised
and suddenly
the thoughts that plague you
feel so insignificant
if just for minutes
giving you
a clarity and slight release
before it catches up with you
so dizzy
apathetic
it will never feel perfect
but at least
it shows you everything
with blurred perception
long enough
to make sense fuzzily
of something hurting
and so trivial
maybe next time
answers come
instead of helping you
forget the question

Today was the hardest day of my life and the first day of the rest of my life

I literally could not comprehend the inevitable, which in a way, stopped me from worrying.
Staring out through the rain soaked window at the garden which held all my fondest memories, I couldn't bring myself to actually go outside and sit in it one last time. That garden was my favourite place in the world and now I can never go back there. I don't like the lack of control I have over the situation but I always try to spend as little time as possible worrying about things I know I can't change.
I lay on the floor and sobbed until there were no more tears because it was all I could do.
I knew she was going to die, but while the house was there, she was still alive. Even going back there today, seeing it stripped of character and not resembling anything in my head, I could still smell Clarins.
She was still in there somehow, but we can't go back and I can no longer pretend everything is normal when I wake up from a nap in the spare room. I am going to miss that hazy limbo where my mind told me everything was fine for just a few precious seconds. No more wandering around looking at all her things the way she had left them, it has all gone. Completely dismantled, everything broken up like an unused jigsaw and scattered around our own houses so she can live on in a way in our day to day lives.
I knew she was going to die, even though she didn't know herself, but nothing could prepare me for the death of the house. For me, she truly died the moment I shut the front door for the last time.
I said goodbye to my childhood today, to everything I have ever understood as normality and now there is just the rest of everything else to deal with forever, and my god, I am not ready.

I will never be ready. I don't think I will ever truly say goodbye, I can't. She makes up too much of me to let go.