everything is temporary

im so lazy with my addictions.

at this moment in time it is hard to imagine a time when i didnt go more than 24 hours without a drink (i rarely find time to drink now)
but it is equally hard to remember how on earth i gave up smoking last year.

i have given up three times this year already, and i know it is better to be healthy and miss it, but right now i dont have time to go outside and forget myself by running through the meadows or drinking in the streets.

smoking on a rainy doorstep is my only current getaway. momentarily it substitutes being around everyone in the picture.


i long for a time when i can holiday again,

i want ghent 2009 back,

i want to play in paris,

i want to surf in cornwall.
The other day i noticed that i am rarely homesick for cheshire anymore and i think this is because the time when i leave leicester for good to go back there temporarily is shrinking right before my eyes so now i am trying to hold on very tightly to something which i spent a lot of time over the summer trying to escape. funny, that.

i would like christmas to hurry back soon...

why oh whyeee

excessive contemplation is a predominant sleep thief.

tweet

like a bird chirping in the rain
she walks home wet
with a smile

orange snow

the other night when it began to snow again i lay in bed staring at the window, which was glowing an offensive shade of bright orange.

i got that safe itch of childhood excitment once more, which i didnt even feel at christmas at all.

people may complain that the snow is grating on them but for me wet feet and soggy hair is a small price to pay for a feeling i thought i had lost forever.

at a risk of looking stupid through knowing no adjectives more fitting,

nature is honest and magic.

"help me! i need to jump..."

"...how high?"

i was nearly lost at sea for a second there.

thank you.

it has to be said

constant smugness really pisses me off... what happened to everything in moderation?

snow was big today :)

lipstick pintglass

whenever the topic of second wave feminism comes up i feel ever so guilty.

i remember one time last year when i asked if there was actually anything left for my generation of women to fight for, and was rightfully met with a set of raised eyebrows and a list.

it feels like my mothers generation fought so hard for things that we now just take for granted, and i often worry that i am unknowingly undoing all their good work by being so lazy and ignorant.

i spent an afternoon reading about third wave feminism over christmas and it makes a lot of sense, but as is always the case with the lack of time to consume useful information for a worthy cause, i didnt understand the complexities of the bigger picture, and didnt know enough to make a valid opinion on it all.

i cant stand the blank face i can feel myself pulling when someone makes a reference that i dont understand, or the awkward silence that follows one of my unwanted opinions.

it is things like this which make me feel very detached from everybody.

dogs and pregnancy

i have been having very strange dreams again.

i dream that dogs are smothering me... it always makes me uncomfortable but kind of safe.

i dream that i am pregnant. sometimes i think to myself in the dream "this cant be possible" and the baby just goes away with the notion that it couldnt possibly exist. one time i realised i had to get an abortion and it was so terrifying that i had to wake up...

these dreams are perhaps the result of sleeping in a very big dressing gown in a cold house and drinking too much herbal tea before bedtime.

valentines day

doesnt anybody ever get bored of being smug or bitter on the 14th?

it seems that everybody is either faffing about buying useless presents, trying to compete in romance with one another or pretenting they dont care until they are so drunk that all they can do is send cringey texts to people who couldnt care less.

i think valentines day can be useful because if society didnt pressure certain types of people for at least one day of the year, some poor bastards would never get anything.

i also think it is a complete waste of time for single people to get defensive and worked up... it seems selfish to boycott something meant for for happy couples because of lonely jelousy.

and what does 1 day matter? surely it is the other 364 you should be bothered about?

i wish everyone would stop trying to prove themselves to each other and just get the hell on with it...

it is pancake day on tuesday, start planning your fillings!

"you are always causing trouble"

perhaps,

but at least i am self aware enough to realise when i am being irritatingly smug, flaky or pretentious... i am being smug about this right now, just so you know.

this is what smug looks like.

you really cant win can you.
if you keep something to yourself, it eats you up and makes you bitter.
if you share it, you are bitching,
and if you are honest, you are trouble.

sometimes i really want to grab a few induviduals and shout

OH MY GOD YOU ARE JUST AS SHIT AS I AM!

because i dont remember anyone in this world having the authority to let them think they were anything else.

i am so so sad and nobody knows

writing a blog really is like sending a message in a bottle.