when im with you it feels like we have an audience.

so the first train home was total jokes... i was all sloppy and drunk and eating cold pizza out of tin foil and exchanging filth via text message with my friend too next to this guy in a suit and alls i could think was "my suit is at home today."

second train was much better. i usually have to travel alone because you know, i live forever away from everyone so it was unreal to catch a mates mum in the seat in front of me. how i laughed. she said she knew it was me on the phone (to her son as well) when she heard me talking about how i had disgraced myself. i apologised in case my behaviour had embarrased her and she said she doesnt waste time getting embarrassed. she would be the best mother in law ever, serious.

as we pulled up to the supermarket someone was getting arrested and i wondered if it was someone i knew... it wasnt. i saw a friend i havent spoken to in a very long time (on purpose) inside and instead of a punch i got a hug. i told her about my job and she told me she was waiting on a video rental callback. i said, "how nice that we've both ended up in the film industry" and for a split second when we laughed there was a little bit of the past there.

we had a big family meal because we are never ever together as a unit anymore. most of the discussion centered around fat people and how some of them get flat bottoms from sitting down too long, which was engaging. i havent had a sunday dinner in months. me and my housemate dont have a freezer or like, anything so it all puts a bit of a limit on a few things... this dinner was top notch as well.

i went to see a friend after. her family are hilarious. the kids are mental comedy genius, if i ever reproduce i hope mine are a bit like that. i love seeing her because she never does that ridiculous small talk thing, she just jumps into a random conversation. i really admire people who see the importance of doing this for me when i see them. only the best people do it.

saturday was unreal. it was so sad and decent all at once when we left the coffee shop after meeting my old bosses best mate and all three of us agreed that none of us had laughed like that in as long as we could remember. when did we all turn into these old, miserable people? i seriously cant hack it. it was great to have a break from that for a bit.

saturday night was absolutley ridiculous. we all got terribly reckless and i literally felt exactly how i had wanted to feel for ages, which was 18 again. it seeped into the next day effortlessley, and when we got my mum to drop us at the park i found something i written on it in 2004.

i was an absolute state. we both were, and i loved every second of it. i never get to be a state anymore and i never get to answer "how are you?"truthfully and i never ever get an understanding nod instead of raised eyebrows... it was so good just to have people to talk to about everything and anything. while i was sat on the park i realised how rubbish it would be to take a step backwards in my life but at the same time, i think being so lonely is slowly eating away at me.

it twisted my stomach to hear how everyone was so bored and overworked. i mean, at least we are in this shit together but wow, we have all changed. last night and this morning were so crucial... i hope i never forget them.

This morning when I opened my eyes, one of my best friends from home was staring back at me, smiling.

I've been sleeping with kyanite under my pillow again so I thought it was all a dream, not a beautiful surprise.

hello, i dont fit in.

i really really miss my cat.

i watched a video of dad spinning me round with his hands, me squealing like an excited piggy to altered images aged 2 in the living room. when he watched it he probably felt sad too that i am grown up now.

then i watched one of grandma. she picked me up and held me close and gave me a cuddle. she has been dead for 15 years and i didnt even remember her voice. i got as sad as ive been for a while but this time i cried.

then i fell asleep and dreamed earthquakes and swimming and shattered glass and deep baths.

but i also saw my friends back in cheshire floating around inside my head and when i opened my eyes i was at home.

we lay on a hobo blanket in his front garden.
my legs were in the air.
the flashdance top which had fashioned itself as a dress through choosing a size too big was riding up and revealing the tops of my thighs to the neighbourhood.
his legs lay across mine.
we didnt care.
he drew and i wrote.


he asked me what i wanted to do if i could do anything at all.
"go to canada. become famous. not too famous, just famous enough to matter. then come home and be nobody again, i think that would be cool."
"yeah, that would be cool. i want to have intercourse with barack and michelle obama. i guess your wish is slightly more plausible."
we laughed, almost catnapped, and when the clouds covered the sun we went inside to watch a film.

just a perfect day

i loved that mental jetlag.

my body was sat, arse frozen on my doorstep puffing on a roll-up i wish i hadnt told myself i wanted, while my mind was still 100 miles away on warm grass in the sunshine with everyone who mattered once.

having another place to call home means i can escape and three years are quickly erased. the memories we cant share are wiped clean and all that is left is an easier, simpler time when we were just friends with few real cares or worries, living out of each others pockets with a naive outlook on the world.in a small town you can dream that you will become anything.

today i ran again,
across the bridge and down by the river, close to where my Grandmas ashes were scattered.

i stopped for a while to catch my breath, and when i looked around and saw how perfect and peaceful everything was, i felt a few tears buzz and prickle at the back of my eyes.

when i come back here it often feels like i have walked into a distorted dream or a blurred memory.

everything becomes very vivid with a fuzzy border, and i feel upset as well as my happiest.

the part of my stomach which used to ache for people now aches for home... even when i am here.

everything is temporary

im so lazy with my addictions.

at this moment in time it is hard to imagine a time when i didnt go more than 24 hours without a drink (i rarely find time to drink now)
but it is equally hard to remember how on earth i gave up smoking last year.

i have given up three times this year already, and i know it is better to be healthy and miss it, but right now i dont have time to go outside and forget myself by running through the meadows or drinking in the streets.

smoking on a rainy doorstep is my only current getaway. momentarily it substitutes being around everyone in the picture.


i long for a time when i can holiday again,

i want ghent 2009 back,

i want to play in paris,

i want to surf in cornwall.
The other day i noticed that i am rarely homesick for cheshire anymore and i think this is because the time when i leave leicester for good to go back there temporarily is shrinking right before my eyes so now i am trying to hold on very tightly to something which i spent a lot of time over the summer trying to escape. funny, that.

i would like christmas to hurry back soon...